wiggie's Seaside Shanty Town

B=Bold

2009-09-19T13:18:00.001-05:00

Seriously, what's up with that thing on that guy's face? I know, seriously.

Data Lore

2009-06-20T07:13:00.002-05:00

So, woke up this morning with a horrible charley horse after only like three and a half hours of sleep. Not the best way to start Father's Day weekend. Of course, I had to look up "Charley horse" on wikipedia, because I knew that'd be a good waste of time...oh, why do the British have better names for everything than we do in North America?

"A charley horse is a popular North American colloquial term for a painful bruise of the quadriceps muscle of the anterior or lateral thigh that commonly results in a muscular hematoma and sometimes several weeks of pain and disability. Such an injury is known in the United Kingdom and many Commonwealth countries (and also in the U.S.) as a dead leg or granddaddy. In Australia it is also known as a corked thigh or "corker." It often occurs in sports when an athlete is struck by an opponent's knee, in a manner like the kick of a horse, perhaps the reason for its name."

Now I have to complain about my dead leg all day.

The Best Idea Ever #459

2009-04-05T14:58:00.001-05:00

This is an idea that I assume someone else has already put in motion. A spin off of the "Rush Hour" movies...

Rush Hour Babies

"Man, don't you ever touch a black baby's ba-ba!"

So much gold, you KNOW they HAVE to make it.

Another lazy wikipedia post

2009-03-24T18:54:00.001-05:00

So, I was looking up Telly from Sesame Street on wikipedia...because. Here's what I found:

"Telly is a triangle lover, and he has a pet hamster Chuckie Sue. "

That poor Chuckie Sue, and what she must deal with in the bed...

Daniel & the Lion's Den

2009-02-22T12:12:00.002-06:00

If I was designing a hiring application, I would want to have an essay question at the end. It would just have instructions for length and spacing, no topic. If the applicant comes to me and asks "What am I supposed to write about?", then they're sane enough to be hired. If they fill out the whole space with an essay, then they're too crazy to be hired. If they go WAY BEYOND the instructed length, AND draw pictures illustrating their point (and the points made by their invisible friends), they're just the right amount of crazy to be hired as well.

IMDB

2009-02-10T21:02:00.001-06:00

I wanted to look up something about the show "24", and it gave me two choices, "24" (TV Series) or "24 Hour Party People" (Movie).

Is ANYONE looking up "24 Hour Party People" when just typing '24' into IMDB?

If a tree falls in the woods

2009-02-01T13:45:00.002-06:00

Is the Super Bowl on today?

My Lessons in Hamburglarese are paying off...in hamburgers!

2009-01-26T19:30:00.003-06:00

A Dirty Poem, in Hamburglarese:

NSFW

Robble Robble Robble

Robble

The End

Yeah, I went blue, but it's okay, because I'm so classy.

A Quick Plug

2009-01-22T07:54:00.002-06:00

...not that I have any readers to throw over to her, but I thought I'd mention my wife, Jojo, has a blog up at Total Baloney. There's not enough posts about actual baloney, if you ask me (but that's just me), but it's pretty dang funny. As on AFCOB, she puts a lot more thought into much better posts than I do. Ah, some things never change. READ IT or DIE!

I gotta be honest

2009-01-20T19:56:00.003-06:00

I don't know exactly what 'broasted' is. Don't tell me...I like a good food mystery.

Rated BS

2009-01-20T07:38:00.002-06:00

I wish my job was to decide whether or not a movie had too much comic mischief to be rated G or not. That and to taste delicious candy.

Similar to toast

2009-01-17T10:51:00.001-06:00

I think Sherbet doesn't get enough credit for doing what it does so well. In these days of many frozen treats, take some time to thank Sherbet, with your tongue, some day. Especially in this economy.

These days, saying "Especially in this economy" makes everything sound smarter. Even me!

...from Wikipedia

2009-01-16T20:36:00.002-06:00

Ah, Wikipedia, you never fail to entertain me. I was looking up "Cheap Seats" on Wikipedia (don't ask), and ended up on the page dedicated to the SNL/Lonely Island video "Jizz in My Pants". Here is the Wikipedia summery of the plot of the song:

The video opens with Samberg singing in a night club. As he is invited to Molly Sims's apartment, he prematurely ejaculates, or "jizz[es] in [his] pants", in the hallway. Taccone then ejaculates in the check-out line of a grocery store, where Sigler is working. Justin Timberlake appears as a janitor in the grocery store. Samberg then leaves a movie theater, when the discovery of a missed telephone call from a girl causes him to prematurely ejaculate. In another scene, Taccone is seen driving his car, listening to the radio, when a song begins to play that reminds him of a girl, and causes him to "jizz in [his] pants". Samberg and Taccone then begin to sing about how they easily "jizz in [their] pants" from an alarm clock, opening a window, eating a grape, and the truth about Bruce Willis's character at the end of The Sixth Sense. Next, Samberg and Taccone explain that, whenever they are next to girls, they ejaculate prematurely, which, they say, necessitates constant wearing of condoms.

...

Thanks, Wikipedia!

My Biggest Hero

2009-01-16T19:27:00.003-06:00

A commercial for Monster Jam just told me that monster truck drivers are my heroes. That's good to know, because previously, I wouldn't have guessed that. But it's good to know that my heroes could probably drive over your heroes with gigantic wheels.

real talking

2009-01-11T18:46:00.003-06:00

Something that is spoken in movies and television quite a bit, but I've never heard in real life is, "Look out, it's a trap!"...one of these days, I'd love to try to keep someone out of walking into a trap.

Oh, and they say "are you kidding me?!" on Biggest Loser way too much.

Yes, I watch Biggest Loser.

Merry Christmas, Chicago, you son of a ...

2008-12-23T22:01:00.002-06:00

Ah, thanks to Chicago, I, like many, many, many others, am not going to be spending Christmas where I would like to be. After 5 hours in an airport with a 1 year old, I got absolutely nowhere. So, my dream of my first Christmas morning in Nova Scotia in 7 years, with my first born child as well, all for not. Oh well, at least we weren't stuck in a Chicago hotel for $300 or something. The first flight was delayed so long that we didn't bother to stick around to find out the second leg from Chicago was canceled. Time to try again on Christmas night. Yay.

Also, I was so busy getting ready for the vacation I'm not taking yet, that I forgot to use my awesome, weather-based bullshit salesguy type joke at work today. Saying this to the right person would get me a promotion due to it's awesomeness of smalltalk and useless unfunniness. Here goes: "hey, the economy might be down, but there sure isn't a recession of snow this year!"

*takes bow*

At last!

2008-12-21T22:42:00.002-06:00

I finally, after several years, got around to editing and cropping the sound file to Dolly Parton & Kenny Rogers' "I Believe in Santa Claus". Wait for the bit at the end where they start yelling "If I hear one more kid..."...and there you go.

Here's the link, now tell your friends.

Music

2008-12-11T21:45:00.000-06:00

You lost me at the sax solo.

A spoonful of sugar

2008-12-10T21:41:00.002-06:00

Just finished taking some cough medicine (after puking up a meal after a good coughing fit), and realized, hey, even though I hate how the medicine tastes, it doesn't bother me like when I was kid. When I was a kid, there was nothing on Earth worse than consuming something I didn't like the taste of. Now...I figure there might be worse things to go through in life. Weird.

Little Kid's TV

2008-12-10T17:44:00.002-06:00

The characters on tv shows for little kids get way too much positive support. For instance, Sid the Science Kid is constantly told how brilliant he is and how he'll solve every problem, no sweat. I think kids need to be put in their place, that's how I got where I am...in a dead-end data entry job. At least I'm employed, you stupid Wall Street fat cats.

Keeping with the Christmas Carol theme

2008-12-05T19:29:00.001-06:00

...because I have no good thoughts today.

Every time I hear "Where are you Christmas?" on the radio, and they get to the part that says:
My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too?

I think...I'm rearranging? Seriously? They could have called the song "Is There Christmas When I Have Pubes?".

It's like that daughter song by John Mayer where he tells fathers to be good to their daughters because when they grow up, he's going to have sex with them. Or he might as well have. Well, it's nothing like that, I just thought I'd complain about two things at once.

17 Million

2008-12-04T07:52:00.002-06:00

The hit counter on my Caroling Corner page should roll over to 17 million today. It helps to have a lot of subpages that people click on and then return to the main page...But still, not bad for a crappy, 1996 high school class level html skills webpage.

Just thought I'd brag. It is a blog after all.

Once again, my idea of a Christmas card with a picture of my family + Tone Loc is put off for another year. Someday...

Wishes ARE fishes

2008-11-30T21:41:00.002-06:00

I wish I had even the smallest amount of skill with audio files, so I could just put a clip of the end of "I Believe in Santa Claus", by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers on the internet. I believe I was put on this Earth to make more people hear those two yelling at small children as the song fades out.

Maybe I'll check the internet and see if there's anything out there about it. There wasn't a few years ago, back whenever I last blogged about this topic.

Post Thankgiving Thoughts

2008-11-28T09:43:00.000-06:00

*blank stare*

I hate potatoes right now

2008-11-26T18:39:00.001-06:00

I just really do.

"Today is like Wednesday!!"

2008-11-24T18:55:00.003-06:00

Yeah, I'm happy it's a short holiday week...but it's not like Wednesday are the best day of the week. Wow, it's a mildly less crappy day of the week!

Maybe I'm just in a bad mood after my many light bulb related mishaps this weekend. 'Tis the season.

But there's nothing like a new Flophouse episode to cheer me up. Actually, there are a lot of things that would be better, but it's better than nothing on a "Wednesday". "Lustache" is like a movie I'd be all "That sounds hilarious, I'd go see that for some laughs" every time I saw the poster/DVD box, but never actually bother to watch.

Things I hate #87

2008-11-22T06:16:00.001-06:00

I hate my handwriting. More specifically, I hate my handwriting in comparison to other people. Like, when I have to write on a list that someone else has written on (like, a sign up sheet for a luncheon), I see my handwriting and think "wow, everyone else has a more confident, better signature than me", and I get sad. Then I think of delicious casseroles I'll soon be eating, and feel better.

The Plot Synopsis of "Curious George" in French

2008-11-19T18:49:00.001-06:00

Parti en Afrique à la recherche d'un trésor archéologique destiné au musée pour lequel il travaille, un guide rencontre un petit singe fouineur et intelligent. Il se prend d'affection pour lui et le nomme George(s) en hommage à George Washington. L'animal est bien décidé à le suivre lorsqu'il rentre à New York.

Brian Fact #34

2008-11-17T19:33:00.000-06:00

I don't trust cruise control.

To Do List #1

2008-11-15T12:39:00.001-06:00

Repack diaper bag. Baby unpacked it for me.

Oh Ratigan!

2008-11-14T19:11:00.000-06:00

The World's Greatest Criminal Mind.

Crush Grooving

2008-11-12T18:16:00.000-06:00

Is there anything that isn't supposed to taste like fish, that ends up tasting like fish, that you would like to eat?

Onomatopoeia

2008-11-09T18:58:00.001-06:00

Blog

Thank you, hulu.com

2008-11-07T04:16:00.000-06:00

For making sure there's something to watch at 4 am with a screaming baby. Watch...not hear, because, of course, of the screaming.

Something important for once

2008-11-05T18:02:00.002-06:00

I know I joke around about this a lot, but seriously, I don't think apples and bananas would get along if they were anthromorphized.

Usual over-sharing parent stuff

2008-11-01T20:40:00.002-05:00

As predicted, by me, here's a photo of Holly in her Halloween costume. Also, me, in my Halloween costume, which was basically what I could pull together from the scraps of Halloweens past at 6 am in the morning.

Holly-ween

2008-11-01T08:02:00.002-05:00

First Halloween with the baby last night. She was a chicken (her costume, not her attitude, she loved all the scary stuff). People insisted on giving her candy, which meant, I got candy, which is always pleasant. Some pictures will follow at some point, I'm sure, because I'm a first time parent, and we do that sort of thing, though we hardly got any pictures...because it was dark.

Did I mention I hate the phrase "dropping knowledge bombs" when coming out of the mouth of fat middle aged white guys in fantasy football leagues? Because I'm sure I meant to.

Paul Hogan...really? Nah, not really

2008-10-29T21:16:00.002-05:00

I have an idea for a cartoon starring gnats. Really, all I have is the name, "Gnatitude"...maybe something with "gnarly", but that only has the "gn"...I guess I really don't have an idea, per se.

I think I overheard this...but not exactly sure...but I think "6-inch sapling" is the worst nickname for someone's penis ever.

Parenting is...

2008-10-27T21:54:00.003-05:00

...trying to enjoy a meal when someone walks up to you with poop in their pants every day.

Rocktober is almost over

2008-10-25T11:13:00.002-05:00

...you know what that means? It's almost time for Rocktember!

True Story

2008-10-24T23:15:00.001-05:00

I haven't toasted a pop tart is 6 years...until this morning!

Your Feel Good Movie of the Year

2008-10-22T18:09:00.001-05:00

Here's a movie name/concept I'm shocked hasn't been used yet (I checked imdb.com)...a internet-based dating romantic comedy called...wait for it..."LOL: Love Out Loud".

That's even better than my prediction that there would eventually be a kids cartoon called "Larry the Cable Baby".

c'est l'halloween

2008-10-21T22:13:00.002-05:00

It's that time of year again. Time for ghost, goblins, and horror genre tinged erotic webfiction. Am I right folks?

On a completely different topic, I believe if you now look up "Holly Butt Shuffle" on Google, you get the youtube video of my daughter scooting around on her hindquarters. Unless it's just that google knows to give me stuff involving my cute kid if I look things up.

3 random things

2008-10-20T20:52:00.003-05:00

Things that happened today:
(1) Overheard co-workers who were confusing John Kerry and Jim Carey
(2) Saw a fucking delorean in the parking lot at the Burnsville library. Seriously, a delorean. It had seen better days.
(3) Observed a large woman shopping in a bathrobe and pajamas (with slippers) on a motorized cart at K-Mart. Decided to shrug and think "oh well, it's just K-Mart".

If I hear the word "Spooktacular" one more time...

2008-10-18T01:59:00.002-05:00

This costume makes me laugh for some reason. I can't imagine letting my child leave the house like this...or at least, I can't imagine them leaving the house without me breaking into scorn filled laughter as soon as the door closed.

Not a spoon full of sugar

2008-10-17T00:50:00.002-05:00

...a wad of bread doesn't make the cough syrup medicine go down in the most delightful way. It actually just absorbs the medicine and tastes like a big wad of cough syrup flavoured bread in your mouth. Don't ask how I know this.

One of those days

2008-10-15T18:27:00.001-05:00

Nothing going right today. Topped (so far) with my 'pity me' Burger King order getting filled wrong. What did they give me? A small fries and a small onion rings. Seriously, who orders that? Too tired and weary, and too many cranky babies (1) to bother to take it back and get the right thing.

Movie Ideas Part 8

2008-10-14T19:50:00.001-05:00

Here's a great idea for a movie this Halloween: "2 Draculas". It'd be literally twice as terrifying as "Dracula".

Well, maybe not a "great idea", but at least an "idea".

Here's a picture to really hammer home the concept.

There would be a big dance number.

Okay Ladies, the Lord Sayeth to...

2008-10-14T18:03:00.002-05:00

...and here's the picture. (thanks to Jody for getting out of her car and taking the shot with her camera phone)

I need to get a picture of this

2008-10-11T22:53:00.003-05:00

Passed a church while driving Holly around to help her fall asleep (and help Jody get some sleep). While I do have a high fever, I'm pretty sure the marquee next to the name of the church simply said "Share your pie".

It's amazing how much snot a little baby nose can make

2008-10-11T08:54:00.001-05:00

...it just is.

You win, Big Paper Products

2008-10-10T04:53:00.000-05:00

...I'll call it "Bathroom Tissue" from now on. At least until someone hits me for saying it.

Universal solvent

2008-10-09T06:58:00.002-05:00

Another week, another baby cold, and another Brian cold. Plus, another chance to see if any of the ingredients in Booberry are the cure for this common cold.

Holy Spam

2008-10-08T20:11:00.002-05:00

Just got an email from "Jesus Hatfield". The topic is just "hi". I know it's spam, and probably about penis lengthening...but I just want to click on any email from Jesus Hatfield.

Did we send Bart to Camp Granada?

2008-10-08T06:36:00.002-05:00

Spent about 10 minutes while trying to fall asleep replacing "bear" with "pear" in words and phrases in my head. Bolar pear and Pear Stearns almost amused me. Otherwise, not time well spent.

Stupid brain

2008-10-08T04:09:00.003-05:00

I'm up at 3:30 am with Holly, because of after one and a half weeks of relative healthiness, she's got a runny nose again and has trouble sleeping. Thanks daycare and drafty window.

The worst part?

I have the "Superbowl Shuffle" stuck in my head. And I'm only half sure I know how the song goes, so it's this little mess in my brain.

How are you doing? That's great.

Seasonally Appropriate Produce

2008-10-07T07:09:00.003-05:00

Is there anything more fun than setting up carefully arranged pictures of your child with a large gourd-like squash? Yes, there is? Oh...well, it's a pretty good amount of fun anyway.

WARNING! WARNING!

2008-10-04T09:02:00.002-05:00

...

I have "Forecast Fox" added to my Firefox browser, which gives me the power to know what it's like outside while never leaving my computer, which is handy, because...who wants to go out there? Seriously.

Yes, it's a laptop, but I'm still not moving around.

This morning, I get a severe weather alert pop up, with a big red warning sign and everything. I'm used to seeing those if a blizzard or severe thunderstorm is on its way, but it's early October, so even in Minnesota...those things seem unlikely on a Saturday morning.

So, I force myself to look out the window...crap, all my blinds are closed (better to insulate yourself against the outside world)...so I peek through the blinds...and it's a clear, sunny day.

Well, I finally click on the weather bar on the browser to see what the hell I should be bracing myself for.

Frost alert! Frost alert!

Oh my God, the crops!

...

wait...

Okay, back to looking at hawaiian shirts on ebay.

My greatest wish

2008-10-02T18:30:00.002-05:00

I was thinking, on the drive home, that a really cool wish to have granted would be that every song you heard was your favourite song. Not like, the same song, but that you reacted to every song like it was your favourite song in the world. It would transform just putting up with radio stations to getting a rush every time a new song started, regardless of the song. I'd rather enjoy each song tremendously rather than have anything like "good taste" in music. Right now I have neither, so life is full of background music that just grates on the nerves, or at best, blends out in nothingness. If I do like a song, I can usually overhear it to apathy in a month or two. Even old favourites are like "Meh...it could be worse". Now, to super enjoy every song I heard at any time, like some teenage girl who loves every song *insert current pop culture relevant band* makes...it'd be better than constant orgasms.

I just wanted to finally type "constant orgasms" on my blog. Now, to go find out where to go with my life from this point forward.

2 Scoops of Marshmallows

2008-10-01T06:21:00.002-05:00

Last night, my wife Jody had an information session for job placement at her HR masters program school with General Mills. That's right, the cereal company. They scour the ranks of the masters students at this school because they're a local Minnesotan company. Blah blah blah, sales pitch, sales pitch, sales pitch later, at the end of the session, they give everyone, and I shit you not, a box of Lucky Charms.

...and this box of Lucky Charms has at least 3 times as many marshmallows in it as any box I've ever had from retail, ever.

...not that I've had many boxes from retail, my parents didn't allow me anything but Special K, Shredded Wheat, or Rice Crispies.

...but yeah, they're hiding the good stuff from us, people! The stuff they give to people they're trying to impress is much better, and way fresher.

It'd be almost unfair except that I have a box.

I can be Charlie Brown in the Green House

2008-09-28T08:11:00.002-05:00

Man, screaming yourself to sleep must be really fun for how much Holly is doing it lately. I'm glad we don't live in an apartment any more or everyone would think we're the world's worst parents.

Holly's cold has continued throughout the week, to the point where I had to take Friday off because her fever was too high to be at daycare, and I handle lack of sleep better than Jody. Not really bragging, I just do...to a point. I'm better at going at it stubbornly for sometimes days at a time and then crashing hard. Like when I fell asleep with the baby in my arms at the hospital after 36 hours of no sleep. Hey, I didn't have the hardest time that day, but man, my feet stunk after wearing the same shoes for that long. Holly was just so warm as newborn in my arms...one minute I was enjoying her and one minute later (by my perception) she was gone. I almost had a heart attack that I had dropped her until I was told she was taken out of my arms a few hours (!?) earlier.

Anyway, since Holly was still sick on Saturday with the infant Motrin having less and less effect, we decided to call the doctor. Since it's Saturday, we can only get the on-call doctor at the pediatric hospital. A couple hours later when they called back, they told us since her fever has been around for a couple days, and her behaviour is not normal, we should take her to the ER, since that's the only place open that can check her on a Saturday.

My kids will not get sick on a Saturday ever again. It costs much more to be randomly sick on a Saturday rather than a Wednesday.

So after a couple hours in the Emergency Room at the local hospital, where Holly is now in full spirits for the first time in days, we get in to finally see the final doctor. I love the 4 doctors who ask the same questions to make you feel like you're being serviced before you get to see the REAL doctor. Holly loved the hospital and was bright eyed for the first time in a week, and flirting with all the doctors, and generally looking not sick enough that we looked like paranoid new parents even though we were TOLD to take her there by our doctor, who wasn't working today. Now, even though her fever is up, it's not up enough for the doctor to be worried, and even though there's a rattle in her lungs, it's not rattling enough for the doctor to be worried, and we look kind of like dinks who are out $75 and 5 hours of their time. We at least got a prescription for a sinus infection drug that we got with a shrug and a "maybe this is the problem" look.

At least Holly had a good time. Then she promptly got hotter when we got home and spent 3 am to 4 am screaming at the top of her lungs.

Then she had the world's hardest poop. I would have screamed for an hour pushing that one out.

So it's time for prunes this morning and some daddy-baby adventures to places that are open early on Sunday so Mommy can get some quiet rest.

The moral of the story is that in the States, if you want more affordable health care, just, watch what day of the week your baby gets really sick on. Otherwise, you're surrounded by real emergencies and doctors rolling their eyes at you and your baby.

This Halloween's Hottest Costume...

2008-09-26T01:17:00.002-05:00

So, it's 1:20 am, and I've got nothing else to do (thanks to a screaming child who decided that it was morning...God bless teething), so I thought I'd post something to my blog.

Now, I have this weird feeling I've mentioned this last year...or it's similar to my post about the "My Pet Monster" birthday cards I saw awhile back...I can't be bothered to read through my own archived posts. But anyway, so, I was at the Mall of America last weekend, just cruising around, trying to pass the time away with the baby. They have a discount store there called "Petters". They sell the stuff that Dollar Stores think is too crappy and old to sell, so it's full of great stuff that's so great that you don't want it at all. They had their Halloween stock out, and because it's all older overstock stuff, from years ago, none of the costumes were anything any kid would want. My favourite thing that no one would want? A "Small Soldiers" costume. Remember that movie? Exactly. (I actually, for reasons I can't remember, saw it in theater). Can you imagine a 10 year old kid showing up for their school's costume party at Halloween dressed as a Gargonite? Tell me that there's a single kid who would know what they were dressed as. You can't. I almost would love to dress up as Archer from the movie...just to be an ass who is trying to be more obscure than you. Seriously? Small Soldiers?

Also, it was Minnesota Wild day at the mall to celebrate the upcoming NHL season. In a great, sad, moment, they were having a raffle for a "Family pack" of tickets. So, I'm filling out the ticket, and an old man comes up to the perky young ladies who are in charge of the Wild booth at the mall. The old man comes up and says to them, "You say a 'family' pack of tickets. What if you're a family of one. How many tickets do you get?", in the saddest, pity me voice ever. The girls awkwardly explained that it was 4 tickets, regardless of how big your family was. They guy wasn't even there alone, he was with 3 of his buddies, so it wasn't like he was the loneliest guy in the whole wide world. I don't know...it just stuck with me since, and since I have time to kill, I thought I'd mention it. It's not like I have a real point to make by talking about it.

Now, back to the baby, and the PBS documentary on raptors. Woo-hoo! PBS never fails in the middle of the night, especially when you only have basic cable thanks to reduced budget caused by growing family and economic downturns. Everything is coming up Brian.

No, wait, this sucks.

Well, not the show on birds. That's pretty cool.

Living Life to the Fullest

2008-09-24T19:02:00.003-05:00

You've never really, really experienced all life has to offer until you've spent several nights and days (and nights!) dealing with a sick baby. Finally, you find that excuse to not sleep that you searched for so often in your younger years. Nothing sounds better to tired ears than the sound of furious baby cries, that attack both your nerves and your empathy in a way only a parent can understand.

...and of course, I had to immortalize said sick baby in an expensive portrait studio shoot. Oh, I couldn't reschedule, because I had a coupon! The people told me it was a great deal, that they didn't even know they had it on the internet (thank you, Entertainment Book, and thank me, for being a great personal search engine for bargains), which made it go from "holy shit this costs a lot", to "holy crap this costs a lot". So, when we look at that runny nose and puffy eyes, and that tired, dazed, past your bedtime because the photographer took so long to get to us that it ran past your bedtime, we'll smile at the memories.

...and it's still all worth it for baby smiles.

Yes, and I know no one likes blogs by parents about parenthood. Does that stop anyone? Besides, my blog is usually about nonsensical things that no one likes, so it can't be any worse.

Things I hate about me #109

2008-09-21T10:37:00.003-05:00

I hate that I can't pull the trigger on going out and buying a meal I really want from a restaurant. It's not that I'm too lazy (though that should be put into consideration). I'll instead go just as far, or further, and go to a restaurant that I'm less interested in and get something else instead. Hell, sometimes I'll even pay more for it. I just go to the place where they're selling something I'm really excited for, and then go "You know...I really shouldn't. It's too many calories/costs too much/too busy/I'm not as in the mood for it as I thought I was/etc". Then I'll stop somewhere on the way home at some place that's either: too many calories/costs too much/is busy/I'm not in the mood for. But it's safer, somehow. I don't know. Maybe I just don't want to be disappointed. Maybe I feel better about myself if I'm not "spoiling" myself. Maybe I don't want to eat something I really want alone, because usually it's something with vegetables in it, so it's somewhere Jody won't go, and then I feel guilty...or something. Or maybe I'm just stupid in the head. Anyway...here's a toast to mediocre meals that I really didn't want but ended up wasting money on (I'm looking at you, McDonald's & Subway).

Seeing as I live near a tourist spot (the Mall Of America), I've been thinking about how many photographs and home videos I'm accidentally in the background of. I've gone to Florida a lot as well, so that doubles the amount of chances. So, to all the people who've saw my ugly mug in the background of a would-otherwise-be-cherished pictures/video...I apologize for my existing and my chronic bad timing in walking past people with cameras. If you were wondering who that guy was, Hi, I'm Brian Skinner, and I'm just a Canadian who works at a Minnesota drill bit company...you know, like most Canadians. I hope I wasn't looking like I was hugely mouth breathing in your photo, or worse, picking my nose (hey...I was a kid in Florida a lot..the humidity makes the nose run...stop judging).

I think that's all I have to say...if I had anything to say in the first place.

So when the hell are they going to put Booberry back on the market for Halloween? Everything else Halloween is already in stores now. Sheesh.

Halloween Candy - Now Available at a store Near You!

2008-09-16T20:11:00.002-05:00

I wonder what percentage of Halloween candy purchased in early/mid September actually ends up in the bellies of trick-or-treaters...and how much during that long march to October 31st, ends up in the bellies of those who bought it?

...yeah, I'm just re-posting my notes from Facebook over here because I'm too lazy to have more than one thought lately.

Uninstant Gratification

2008-09-09T18:13:00.001-05:00

As much as I love peanut butter in my chocolate (and chocolate in my peanut butter), I don't think that mini reeses peanut butter cups are worth the effort of all the unwrapping it takes for so little peanut butter cup. No I don't.

Another Post Like the Last One

2008-08-20T21:20:00.003-05:00

May 25,

As I write this, I wonder about the father-son dynamic these days. Things have changed since I was a young pup like you. Take DVDs for instance. They're so skinny. They don't have heft and substance like a good VHS tape. A boy like you stumbling upon his father's stash of secret porn videos just won't get the same reaction coming across those almost not there DVD cases. They don't have that visual impact that a big box of VHS porn would have upon a young mind. But to each their own poison. Mine is of the paper variety. Now there's a stash for a young boy to come upon! With a video, a boy has to try to figure out if he has the balls to take the video out of the case, go to the player, turn the player on, hope the volume isn't so loud that someone notices...too many steps where things could go wrong. Hardly a child out there would even attempt it! Now, coming across your father's stack of porn magazines...easy access. Just open up, and enjoy the confusing feelings you get from looking at them. What boy wants to talk about the birds and bees with his father without thinking about his father's porn in the back of his head? Not any boy in this family.

Flathead Maury stopped by the other day. He and I have been friends since we were your age. The trouble we used to get into! Flathead was there the day you were born! I'll never forget that day, in that taxi, on our way to the casino, hoping to win enough money to cover the medical costs for a baby delivery at the hospital. We waited until the 9 month, you know, because we didn't want to jinx it. Flathead was with us, he called the cab actually, because we were all a little tipsy. Luckily Flathead keeps a backpack full of clean towels on him at all times so that the taxi didn't get too messy. I think we tipped the driver well. It's hard to remember, I was pretty drunk...and angry at your mother for having bad luck that day on the slots. The Pirates Treasure machine never pays off big! Even an amateur knows that. Son, if I ever teach you anything, it should be that you should never waste your time on the slots. Video poker, that's a game of skill, and men in our family live by our wits, not pure fortune.

So Flathead was at the lighthouse. He was looking for a wrench. I don't know why the hell I would have a wrench at a lighthouse. Flathead is like that. You know the old saying, "The man who looks for wrenches in all the wrong places". Well, that's Flathead. He's that guy. You probably know by the time you read this. I'd say he's a character, but I've never quite figured out what people mean when they say that. It usually seems to mean that they're too lazy to point out exactly what it is about a eccentric person that annoys them, so they say they're a "character". Well, I have all the time in the world to tell people exactly what annoys me, so I guess that's why I don't use that expression.

From Me to Them

2008-08-13T21:02:00.003-05:00

Here's my latest post. It's done in the style of a lighthouse keeper, in a small rocky outpost (that has a Starbucks next door), that is writing letters for his young son (whom is completely fictional, but writing to a pretend son passes the time) to read when he's grown up and wants to learn what his father was like as a young man. Also, the lighthouse functions completely by computer, he's just there in case tourists come by to take pictures and buy miniature wooden lighthouses (made in China) that he sells at small desk in the corner. Tourists rarely visit. There are better lighthouses available to take pictures of.

----

May 19: Son, one day you'll no longer be the young sprite on your mother's knee, whom with a twinkle in his eyes, tells me, "Dad, one day I'll grow up to be bird". One day, you'll actually be a bird, because anything you put your mind to, you can do, son. I jest, of course. You can't be a bird when you grow up. But you're a kid, and kids are stupid, and say stupid shit all the time. But those days are behind you now. Now, most likely, I've past away, and you're reading this notes that I've left for you, to come to grips with the giant, gaping hole in your life that my passing has left.

Speaking of giant, gaping holes, I hope you're taking care of your mother. Of course I jest: I assume she's dead too, because I'd have to outlive that chain smoking, bingo playing, rum drinking slut. God rest her soul. She didn't know any better, because she was so stupid. But people will be people, so no matter how many nice pairs of earrings you give them on your anniversary every year, you can't make them change their deep down marrow. It's just a shame she had to pawn those earrings for money for bingo. I could really have used that money for something else, like thinsulate gloves. It gets cold in a lighthouse come the winter months.

Right now, though, Spring has thawed out our old familiar rocky outcrop. The green stuff on the rocks seems somehow less sickly yellow-green, and more...green. It's lovely in the morning. Trust me. If you had spent more nights out here with me during the early Spring, you'd know. But you didn't. Many were the hours I had no one to watch the sun rise with. I'll be honest, it's made me bitter time and time again. You should really be ashamed of yourself. I'm a good man. I deserve better.

Really, I would have spent more time with you if you were a lighthouse keeper, and I wasn't. It's called courtesy. I hope you've learned a bit of it since I've died. If you haven't, well, you'll probably die lonely too. That's just the way the world works.

This morning, as most mornings, I walked down those lonely stairs down to the base of the lighthouse, walked out and basked in the Sun's early glow, and then, while the Starbucks next door was at it's busiest, I grabbed an edition of yesterday's newspaper off one of the tables that nobody was reading. I like the comics. Well, mostly. Some people call them the "Funny Pages". Thing is, I can't remember the last time a single comic made me laugh out loud. The world is a sad place when the best the Funny Pages can do is a mild, wry smile. And what is with that "Cathy" cartoon? To pass the time, I white out the words in that comic, and insert my own, funnier dialog in it.

I think if I wasn't a lighthouse keeper, I would have been a cartoonist. No wait, really, I think I would be the President. If you're going to dream, son, dream big. Don't waste it on the small shit. Do that, and you'll end up in some crappy lighthouse in the middle of nowhere next to a Starbucks.

I hope the following entries in this diary continue to inspire you, son, and let you know what your father was really like, under his tough, leathery skin, with his soft, soft hands. Then, you can finally move on with your life, unfrozen from the crippling inertia that I can only assume your life is currently enduring, because of my death, and fluctuations in the local economy.

I'm in pain

2008-08-12T07:18:00.004-05:00

Holly has been sick...and we all know how much fun it is dealing with a sick child...okay, you losers without kids (btw, have a baby! and get married while you're at it! And umm...buy a house!) may not, but it SUCKS. So, she's sick, and we're trying anything to make her not miserable for a few moments, and besides filling her full of sweet potato flavoured puffs (mmm!), she likes music.

So all at work on Monday, I can't get Bananaphone out of my head. At all. Not for a fucking moment. Oh, please, click on that link and hear "Bananaphone" if you haven't yet. It's not even the worst child song by a long shot, and I usually don't mind childrens' music, but that song is frigging sticky.

Ringringringringring, bananaphone! Kill me now. If only my job used my brain, then it wouldn't have so much room for bananaphone.

I've often said that one day I would kill Raffi, but now I finally have a reason.

You got a real purty mouth

2008-08-10T09:11:00.003-05:00

One of the wonderful things about having a baby is basking in people admiring your baby, especially when you're reasonably sure your baby doesn't have any major "what the hell is that?" features...well, reasonably, because it's hard to see your kid outside your parental love eyes. But sometimes...it gets a little much.

There's the usual problems of people who are too enthusiastic. You get your people who are all "Oh my! What a pretty baby! I love babies! Can I hold her?"...and you're thinking "okay, crazy person who I just met for the first time 2 seconds ago in K-Mart, I would love you to hold my baby, which I just finally got to sleep by walking her around K-Mart for an hour because she wouldn't sleep at home...I would feel very safe, because what stranger could possibly be a danger, at the Big K?"

I also have a 10 second comfort rule. If someone I come across (while not standing in a check out line where you're stuck next to someone for long periods of time) someone who has long, awkwardly paused out, compliments...I run out of "oh thanks!" responses. I don't know what to do or say if they're still going on about the baby for more then 10 seconds and I have somewhere else to be in the meantime. I don't want to be like "gee, thanks, gotta run!", because they're being nice, and their day is probably boring enough that a baby face is breaking it up...but still...awkward.

Then there's the unusual compliments. Usually, Holly gets noticed for her crazy, curled up bed-head hair, which is in crazy abundance for a child her age. Most people want to wax nostalgic about how much/how little hair their child had in comparison. That, by the way, is the first question asked after height/weight/health after you have the baby: "How much hair?". Poor, poor bald babies. Sometimes people notice her big blue eyes, or the fact that Holly loves to smile at everyone. Then there's the woman at Target who my wife is still mystified with. She turns away from her own little girl, looks at Holly very critically, then looks at us and says, very caustically for some reason, "My, she has a very beautiful mouth"....her mouth? Seriously?

Then there's gender confusion. Which is acceptable. She has short hair, babies are generally androgynous, and we have a gender neutral (read: mostly boy coloured) car seat/stroller. My favourite though, is one day I had her in a pink dress, with a pink fluffy bow in her hair, with pink and white with ladybugs belt protectors on her carseat, and this woman comes up, cooing at her. Holly smiles back, because she's an attention whore, and the woman says, "Oh, I think he's flirting with me! Oh, he's such a little flirt"....alright.

There's no huge complaints. I have more of a problem with people not noticing babies and how cute babies are in general, because I'm a new parent in my early 30s and with us and all our friends, babies are the most important topic, so it should be with everyone else, damn it, right? Right. It's just...her mouth? Really?

Do Dolphins Eat Chickens?

2008-08-09T08:02:00.002-05:00

So, of course, I looked up "Do dolphins eat chicken" on Google, and here's what I found out:

"Dolphins eat a variety of different foods. Some of them eat fish, such as mackerel, herring and cod, while others eat squid. Large dolphins, such as Orcas may eat other marine mammals, such as sea lions or sea turtles. How much a dolphin eats depends alot on what type of fish or ssquid they eat. Some fish, such as mackerel or herring, have alot of fat in them. This means that a Dolphin will get alot of energy from eating these fish. However, squid does not have much fat, so a Dolphin has to eat more squid to get the same kind of energy it would get from fish. On average, however, a 250 kg dolphin will typically eat between 10 kg and 22.5 kg of fish every day.

Dolphins hunt using a couple of different methods. Some types of Dolphins will work together to surround a school of fish, and then take turns swimming through, while eating all the fish they can. This is called herding.

Other types of dolphins strike fish with their tails, in order to stun the fish, so they can eat it. This is called whacking.

Sometimes, a dolphin will send a very loud CLICK! throught the water at the fish. The loud noise will shock the fish, and leave it in a stupor. This is called stunning.

Dolphins will sometimes herd a school of fish into shallow water, to make it hard for the fish to escape. This is called coralling.

Lastly, some dolphins will pick up a sponge, and use it to push through the mud on the bottom of shallow parts of the ocean, looking for food. This is called foraging. "

Thanks, allaboutdolphins.net, but I already knew what whacking is. Sheesh. That article sure was interesting. This is called sarcasm.

I also got hits for links called "what do herpes look like?", "dolphin slaughter", "how do dolphins get their drinking water?" (from the Coca-Cola bottling bottlenose dolphin company), Evolutionary Proof That (eating) The Chicken Came Before The Egg, and a link that's text preview said: "kukukuku, i do help in 'chopping' cows, chicken, goat and rabbits. So I don't mind if they wanna eat dolphin. Y not? dolphin also deserved to be eaten"

So, there you go. Wait...I still don't know if they enjoy chicken.

Worst post ever

2008-08-08T09:22:00.002-05:00

I'm writing a self-help book for dolphins.

Yeah, you think I'm going to say, "A Porpoise Driven Life".

Nope, it's:

"Fish Soup for the Dolphin Soul"

The joke is...dolphins like to eat fish instead of chicken.

Ha ha!

*is worried that dolphins actually would prefer chicken to fish if they had more opportunities to eat chicken, thus undermining his entire post*

This Post: The Sequel to the Previous Post

2008-08-07T06:46:00.003-05:00

Things I still would like to accomplish in my lifetime:

1 - Write vulgar lyrics to be set to the tune of "Greensleeves", and have it be accepted by everyone as genius, and would make people spit on the ground when they hear "What Child Is This". From Wikipedia: A genius is a person of great intelligence. Awesome...that could be me!

2 - Eat cereal out of a baseball cap in public, have someone turn to me, make eye contact, and then nod in a "yeah...you're doing it right" sort of way. This could happen!

3 - Invent a sweatband that actually stops you from sweating, instead of just being a very sweat soaked band of cloth across your forehead. Then I wouldn't share it with anyone.

4 - Finally figure out what makes Cinnamon Toast Crunch so popular. I seem to have forgotten this when I became an adult, and have been stupidly confused about the subject ever since, and children tease me about it before they eat the cereal. Is it the square shape? No? Bastards! Everyone Loves Links to Click On!

5 - Find a way to make people stop dressing up like Captain Jack Sparrow at Halloween.

6 - Invent a musical baby toy that plays music that only babies can hear, and leaves the parents with blissful silence.

7 - Go to Delaware...and most of Europe. Those two places.

...only seven things. My life must be pretty fulfilled!

Things to do when you're a parent at 5 am

2008-08-05T06:28:00.004-05:00

...and if you're one of those people who get up at 5 am every day anyway, for work, or because you're "a morning person" (aka stupid), just go do something chipper involving drinking coffee at a quaint little shop that sells knicknacks, dried soup mixes, and things that smell like lavender, where they all know your name when you come in, and you while away the hours leading up to a glorious afternoon of....what was I talking about?

Oh yeah, so the baby woke up at 5 am today, just because. Well, not just because. Because she was hungry...and because she went to bed early. Luckily she loves Baby Einstein SO much that I can already park her in front of a TV and pass an hour through lazy parenting when my brain hasn't quite woke up yet.

The problem is there is nothing for ME to do at such an hour. After enough middle of the nights, I've simply run out of things to do. The internet hasn't updated since last night. Sports scores are the same as midnight when I fell asleep. The same hats are in fashion as the last day. There is literally nothing new under the Sun (or Moon) to update myself on since I've fell asleep. Plus, it wears my eyes out before the hours and hours of looking at a computer screen at work to come. Books? I can't keep the room too lighted, incase I can get Holly back to sleep again...so it's too dark. Plus I read at midnight, it'll make me want to sleep again. TV? The video is on and I don't have picture-in-picture.

Picture-in-picture sucks, btw. Most un-needed television enhancement of the last 100 years.

So, to pass the time, I posted this. Unfortunately, putting no thought into something when you can type as fast as I can, doesn't pass much time.

*pathetic sigh*

The Garlic...of Tomorrow

2008-08-03T08:11:00.002-05:00

My gigantic bottle of pre-chopped garlic (thank you Costco, for realizing I need a several year supply of that stuff) says to use it before 2289. That's some pretty undemanding garlic.

Here are some other random food things going on in my house that aren't interesting:

There was one flake in my Raisin Bran box that was a slightly different colour than then rest of the flakes...I ate it anyway. I think it tasted funny...but one can never tell for sure these days, what with our modern products.

I thought there was broken glass in the frozen peas I had. Turns out, after throwing them out, that it was more likely broken glass from the broken glass container I had put them in. But it's easier to blame Big Vegetable.

I have these cookies that LOOKED hard, but there were ACTUALLY soft and good. I have nothing more to add other than they were yummy, and I think I'm going to go have a cookie. It's not like I had any real thoughts I had to share today. I should just talk about the baby, that would be easier. But that bran flake was pretty weird. I wish I had taken a picture of it before I ate it. Life is full of regrets.

Nature Abhors the Pathetic Fallacy

2008-08-01T21:05:00.003-05:00

...and then the stars shone angrily on the fallen Earth.

This is only a bit to do with my not very clever blog title, but today I realized I've thought the number '5' is a jerk for years. Just casually, I've assumed that the number 5 is a bit of a dick. Doing data entry all day at work, I always look at that number with mild distaste. Just mild. I can't be bothered to have strong emotions at work, I'm not paid enough anything more than mild.

I think I first thought this when I was in the 3rd grade, when I started assigning personalities to letters and numbers while being bored in class (the number '8' and the letter 'S' are dating). I looked at '5', and thought it was just shaped like some beer bellied guy with a crick in his neck that is making him cranky. I was relieved when 1985 became 1986, which was a much more mellow looking year. The same with 1996. 2005...I don't remember very much of. I guess when you get old enough, the years start running together. I didn't buy a house that year, get married that year, or had a baby that year...it just sort of happened.

I was throwing away some paperwork at work this week that I had stored away from 2005, and I was all "I was working here then? I don't remember that. I wrote '2005' on all sort of shit and have no memory of it"...sad...except that I assume 2005 sucked.

2006...now there's a year for you. I bet I did all kinds of great stuff then. Like the time I saw Rob and Rob's girlfriend from "Survivor" and "The Amazing Race" at the Mall of America sitting on a Sleep Number bed...was that 2006? If it wasn't, it should have been.

...and just because: scooters, vacation, fall. I get it, even if you don't.

Typical Modern Ketchup

2008-07-31T19:34:00.002-05:00

From Wikipedia:

"Ketchup (or catsup), also known as , Tomato Sauce, Red Sauce, Tommy Sauce, sweet sweet nectur of life,or Tommy K is a condiment, usually made from tomatoes. The ingredients in a typical modern ketchup are tomato concentrate, spirit vinegar, corn syrup or other sugar, salt, spice and herb extracts (including celery), spice and garlic powder[1]. Allspice, cloves, cinnamon, onion, and other vegetables may be included."

...Tommy Sauce? Seriously? I'm so confused over that, that I will now type out "Seriously?" in several different languages.

Ernstig?
Sérieusement ?
Ernsthaft?
Seriamente?
Серьезно?
Σοβαρά?
Woof (with head slightly tilted)?

...and don't crap on me if in context those words don't mean the same as "Seriously?" means in slang English. Babelfish Greek is good enough Greek for any blog of mine.

...shut up about me looking up "Ketchup" on Wikipedia. I highly doubt you're doing anything better with your time if you're reading this.

Now, if I was to ask you, the reader, if I could have some Tommy Sauce on my hamburger, I would fully expect you to hit me in the face. Then I would make some sort of reference to the movie, "The Hard Way", (which I saw 3 times...in theater!) and you'd just leave in a bored huff. I'm sorry, but that's just my way of keeping it real. My way just happens to be The Hard Way.

Well, I at least laughed at that...well, not really, but I certainly didn't delete it after typing it. I could have, and then went and looked up Muppet Movie glasses on Ebay, but I didn't.

Here are a few translations of "ketchup":

ketchup

It's the same in EVERY language...except where they call it Tommy Sauce. Or Catsup.

Just pictures of my daughter

2008-07-26T08:50:00.003-05:00

Just because I feel like it, I'll update for the first time in a long time with pictures of my daughter, Holly Evelyn...because...I can. That's all the reason I need, because it's the internet, and the internet is made for "because I can"s.

She's kinda cute, right?

Similar to Gentleman Jeff, I am not dead

2007-05-12T00:39:00.000-05:00

Unless you're reading this after I die, in which case, yes, I am dead.

I had no idea I had posted as many...posts...as I did on this blog. That's a lot of shit that no one cares about.

Good headlines

2006-08-24T07:09:00.000-05:00

I like that the hurricane season isn't "Safe and quiet" so far, it's instead "eerily quiet"...like the hurricanes are up to something...

I'm so funny

2006-08-19T22:28:00.000-05:00

People don't appreciate my calling Virginia Ham, "Here Ham", while being Virginia, enough. Also, they don't appreciate how funny it is to say to someone named Jose, "No way, you." But that's not MY problem, is it.

Problem loading page

2006-08-10T19:15:00.000-05:00

God, between the trip to Virginia, and everything else that's going on lately, I feel like a nice coma would be good right now. As long as the hospital doesn't have a bedbug infestation, or doesn't allow any liquids. Is a good night's sleep too much to ask? Probably.

Two unrelated things

2006-08-01T19:32:00.000-05:00

The Brushback.com - All the sports news that's fit to print

Plus - The song "Animal Crackers in My Soup" (I assume that's the name of the song), makes no sense any more. I assume at the time it was written, animal crackers were actually crackers. Now they're cookies. Cookies in soup? No thank you.

I'm addicted to Gas-X

2006-07-30T15:28:00.000-05:00

I can't not not have gas at this point.

Lady in the Water

2006-07-22T22:07:00.000-05:00

As soon as the first person he said "Narf" to knew EXACTLY what he was talking about, I knew, that this was going to be the GREATEST MOVIE EVER.

And it was. It was the GREATEST MOVIE EVER. There's nothing more fun than trying to explain the plot of this movie to someone who hasn't watched it, and not start laughing. GREATEST MOVIE EVER. Everyone MUST watch this movie. Now. Go. Go watch it. You owe it to me to have this movie in your brain for the rest of your life. You'll be better for it.

GREATEST MOVIE EVER.

Always remember

2006-07-19T19:04:00.000-05:00

It's F.C.U., or I.C.U.

If you can get that reference, you're watching as much obscure television as me.

Kneel Before Zod

2006-07-18T19:22:00.000-05:00

Zod 2008 - General Zod - 2008 Presidential Candidate

Because I don't get enough Zod-related items to post around here.

Serving size

2006-07-18T18:17:00.000-05:00

How do they determine the suggested serving sizes for shit that's not even slightly good for you? Sure, a lot of Nerds Rope is bad for you, but so is a little, so where do you draw the line?

I'm serious, I'm waiting for answer.

Always too hot, never too cold, you take your best shot

2006-07-16T21:37:00.000-05:00

It seems like just yesterday that the Good Gentleman and I were young guns on a bus being harassed by a guy who was telling us the virtues of Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Now I look in the mirror and see the crows feet and think "Damn...that's one good looking man." Actually, I've been too busy being hot because of the weather rather than my own good looks to bother admiring myself lately. I got to spend a weekend babysitting my 2 year old nephew, the Max, who was crabby about being stuck inside all weekend. It's hard to rationalize with a young fellow like him about why he can't go outside.

"But it's too hot for you to be outside."

"Kick ball, Bri! Kick ball, Bri! Shoes? Shoes? Shoes?"

"No Max, it's too hot."

"Shoes! Outside! Kick ball, Bri! Run, Bri! Run!"

And then I bribe him with a pop tart. Just like all my negotiations end.

oreo pie, my ass

2006-07-13T19:12:00.001-05:00

Don't be shoving some pie with Oreo cookie crumbs as a crust and whip cream as the pie filling at me and call it an Oreo pie. No sir, I want the filling to be completely the cream from the Oreo cookie, not some fluffy cream substitute. All Oreo cream, or I kick your ass. Kick it so hard.

Or better yet, make it like that, with Fudgee-Os.

wiggie's adventures at the Metrodome

2006-07-06T21:58:00.000-05:00

The Metrodome deserves to be mentioned at my shanty town, because it wouldn't be out of place at a shanty town.

Let's get back to the start before we get started.

The Metrodome is the big baseball/football stadium in Minneapolis. I, wiggie, live in a suburb of Minneapolis, but rarely go into Minneapolis because I'm lazy. Plus I work in St. Paul, so it's kind of in the other direction. And I'm tired after work. And really, just shut up about it, the Mall of America is in Bloomington, so I don't have to drive all the way into the city for some fancy shopping, even if they do have this cool sausage deli there. And no, that's not supposed to be a perverted thing.

Yeah, so I had been to the Excel Center, where the NHL team plays, because it's in St. Paul, and well, it's hockey. It's just an excellent arena. Good times. I haven't been to the Target Center (named after the Target stores which are everywhere in Minnesota because we're the home base of the company) where the NBA team plays, because, well, it's basketball. But I hadn't been to the Metrodome either. One, because NFL ticket are expensive and hard to get, and I have no one to go with to football games. My wife would go, but she doesn't want to really pay for it, or go through the hassle. And she doesn't like the fact that the team is purple. And she's still kind of pissed at Randy Moss, even though he's been gone for a few years now. In short, because she's Minnesotan. I had several chances to go to a Twins game in the past, had actually won good tickets to a game vs. the Yankees at one point, but my wife was either sick, or something else always came up.

But two weekends ago we decided we were going to go. A little out of the townhome celebration to go along with me finally graduating from university. We got ok tickets for a Cubs game. Ok seats, not great, high up, but good line of sight. Interleague play so it was a novelty, plus it wouldn't be as empty as usual because of Cub fans.

Now, I'll admit right now that I knew going in the the Metrodome ain't the best baseball stadium around. EVERYONE knows this. We're (probably) getting a new stadium, open air, in a few years. If some tax payers in another county approve it. The Vikings, well, tough luck for them for a few more years. And tough luck it is, playing in the dome.

So, we take the light rail (that's what we call the above ground, slow moving, only one route, subway like monorail thing that was made a few years ago to successfully transfer people from the airport, to the Mall, the downtown, and back again, with no other real purpose) down to the 'Dome. It's busy, because it's game time, baby. There are guys hawking tickets right next to police officers, which confuses Jody. I tell her that Twins tickets aren't worth making arrests for. We both laugh at my lame humour. After trying to go in, but being told that ticket holders in our section have to use a further away door, we finally get in.

First off...food. Beers & Brats is the name of the stand. I've read that they're better than the Dome Dogs, which are overpriced versions of what you by at the local grocery store, because that brand name of hotdogs is a sponser of the team. I get a foot long, because I need to let people know that I have a foot long. Jody gets a brat. Which is a sausage thing incase Jeff is wondering. Pronounce "bra-t". It took me awhile too. I get a huge coke too, which is big enough for the 162 game schedule of the team, plus spring training, to be listed on. I didn't really want it, because the last thing I want to do here is have to go take a piss. My wife gets a beer. We head to the stands.

Now, okay, I knew it was an indoor game. But looking at it on tv, it looks just like an outdoor stadium, because you never really see the roof. So I was unprepared for what it was like walking into the main area off the concourse. Yes, the field is big, because it's a baseball field. But the whole place is just this one, big, room. It's a room that contains a baseball field and stands. It's weird to see that, indoors. It's also oddly yellow because of the big baggy white roof. Seeing it for the first time is just...off putting.

So, we climb the extremely steep stairs to get to the extremely small seats. The cup holders are on the back of the chair in front of you, but they're slightly angled. So when Jody put her full beer into the cup holder, it immediately spilled onto the woman in the chair in front of her. That woman would also never notice that it happened. While trying to make sure my hotdog, being as long as it was, didn't bump into anyone, because it was about as wide as my seat, I managed to spill a lot...and I mean A LOT, of mustard onto my jeans. So I had a big yellow spot on my pants the entire game and ride back. Way to go Brian!

By the third inning, Jody noticed that she smelled dirty boy underwear. I don't know why she knows that smell, but upon nose reflection, she was right. It could have been any number of the teenage farm boys around us who all looked like they could use a bath. The kid in front of me was about 13, and had the ears of a 85 year old, by how sunburned and peeling and gross the tops of his ears were from being outside way too much. He and his friend were also obsessing about filling out the box score of the game, keeping track of each at bat of each player on both teams, and lineup changes. I wanted to tell him that it was no longer 1920, and the boxscore would be available for him to see immediately following the game on any number of internet sites, or in the newspaper, but I doubt that would have mattered to him. Well, we all have our hobbies. I have a blog, so I'm a loser too.

Oh yeah, the Twins blew the other team out, because they were in the middle of 19 wins in 20 games that helped them move 1 game up in the standings. Worst year to be only kind of a great team in a division of super great teams.

There's a giant milk jug in right field. I mean, at least 6 stories high. It's appropriate for Minnesota. It's also far more impressive than the garbage bags they stretch tight to use as a wall for when the field is configured for a baseball field.

The scoreboard needs more than one "walk" animation. The one with walking bear mascot got tired after the 7th walk.

There turned out to be many little boys under the age of 14 who smelled horribly in the tight seating when walking down our aisle to go get food.

Jody didn't understand why people trusted other people to pass money down the aisle to vendors. Because she would take that money and run....through the tightly seated stadium where you can't go anywhere fast.

Sunflower seeds...and they're a for eating in public food, why? Dude beside me dropped about 100 little shells on the ground by my feet. It makes me want to puke with my mouth when I see that.

We leave early, because it's a blow out, and because, well, it's a baseball game and you can and should. We have trouble finding the right exit to leave, thus losing some of our "we're smart, we get out first" time. But we catch the second light rail car, and get seats, thanks of my years of taking the bus to university savvy. I know where to stand to get in the doors first, and I know how to not hesitate and go for the seat kill.

Old hippie couple on the bus annoy me with how many buttons they're wearing. I'm liberal by American standards, would vote democrat if they'd let me (or if I for some God foresaken reason got citizenship), but I know that buttons on your backpack only hurt your credibility. These ones had a pair of buttons that said "We're Phlag Family". Huh? Too much like phlegm to wear in public. Plus, what's the dude with old hippie professor types and having long grey/black beards, combined with far too short of shorts, pulled up socks, and skinny pale legs with black hair? Much yuck. Go away Phlags.

We get off at the Mall, which is where everyone is getting off, because besides the airport, there are no useful other stops, so the thing stays packed the entire slow moving way. Delicious.

And then my adventure was over.

I want to buy Lucky Charm Marshmallows for my Bran Cereal

2006-06-15T21:42:00.000-05:00

Gotta eat the bran, 'cause I'm an old dude.

Here's my script for my monkey sidekick movie.

(Scene: Officer wiggie enters the Chief's office at the police station)

The Chief: Officer wiggie, meet your new partner, Officer Banana.

Officer wiggie: What the fuck is that thing?!

The Chief: He's a monkey, and the best damn cop this old police chief has ever seen. *wipes tear from eye*

Office wiggie: Stupid goddamn monkey. *pulls out gun and shoots the monkey* I killed him. I guess that makes me the best cop ever.

The Chief: I guess it does.

Office wiggie: Damn right. *throws a banana at the dead chimp* I hope you like bananas...in Hell.

(sexy female cop comes in)

Sexy Female Cop: Can I be your new partner?

Officer wiggie: Of course you can...in bed!

(everyone laughs)

(wiggie shoots monkey corpse again)

(rap song plays about how awesome wiggie is)

(did I mention the rap song lasts long enough to fill up the remaining 87 minutes of the movie? Well it does)

THE END

owned

2006-06-14T20:57:00.000-05:00

I picked up the wonton wraps at Super Target yesterday.

own

2006-06-07T20:50:00.000-05:00

Damn, I keep forgetting to get those wanton wraps at the grocery store. Why didn't you remind me?

The Twenty Two

2006-05-30T21:18:00.000-05:00

3 - The number of dead on the roadside intact deer I've seen in my life prior to driving through Wisconsin to Chicago.

22 - The number of dead roadside deer I saw on the way. That's not counting the ones I didn't notice. Plus, since it was a divided highway, there is no overlap.

ChicagoLand

2006-05-28T09:44:00.000-05:00

So, I'm in Chicago for Memorial Day weekend. Besides trying to get to our hotel through a parade route, which is the worst thing you could do to a nervous tourist, things have been pretty good. I'll go into deeper detail in a later post, for those who give a shit.

But I should mention the convention that's going on at a nearby hotel. To quote an excited young man (who umm...likes men) who was walking away from the hotel talking on his cell when we walked by, "...in the hallways, they all nekid, ass out, dick out, all leather...I've lived in Chicago for a long time, why'd no one tell me about this!". That's right, hundreds of leather dudes, one hotel. We haven't walked by the front of the lobby (which is on the way to like, everything) without seeing ass hangout of out chaps yet. I hope the taxi drivers have lysol for their backseats.

Oh, and GJ, I think I finally don't have overtime or illness this upcoming week (cross fingers), so I'll give you a ring, and we can talk Grand Prix, and other glorious things. I think we neeed a promotion where everyone is either a foreigner, or has the nickname "Killer" before their name.

Good news for the Good Gentleman

2006-05-23T20:40:00.000-05:00

"Emile Dupre is bringing back Atlantic Grand Prix Wrestling with its 50th tour, headlined by son Jeff (Rene's older brother). Atlantic Grand Prix, in coming back, would be probably the last of the existing promotions, still with its same owner, from the territorial era of pro wrestling. Old-time mini star Frenchy Lamont will be among those on the tour, along with former WWE wrestler Chad Wicks and El Hijo de Cuban Assassin. It starts on Friday night in Souris, Prince Edwards Island, and runs shows over the next few weeks in New Brunswick, Nova Scotia and even Eastern Quebec."

The motherfucking Cuban Assassin's son. Damn right.

Busy days at the seaside

2006-05-21T23:04:00.000-05:00

...and my shanty town is looking shantier than ever.

I'm not sure if even that Lionel Richie shirt could make the upcoming week any easier to deal with.

Well, maybe it would.

I always take "There's something different about you...I can't put my finger on it" quasi-compliments from other people as meaning, "I was just looking at you, and thinking about how bad you usually look to me, and how you look slightly less awful at the moment". And I'm pretty sure I'm right.

I was so funny at work today....

2006-05-12T22:35:00.000-05:00

...and then I said, "what brand?", and everyone just hooted with laughter for the next five minutes.

I guess you had to be there. But it's not my fault you can't be where the Brian-Funny is at all time.

Lionel Richie t-shirt

2006-05-11T20:41:00.000-05:00

Lionel Richie t-shirt

Jeff, do you want this shirt as a gift for your next Beaster birthday?

I hope This Link works, because, well, it's my web account, and it should do as I tell it.