uncock my shit, I'm heartbroke

Now that I've lost over 80 pounds, by Free Market Rules, I can write a book that YOU'LL buy about losing weight. And because you're a faithful reader, here's a free sample of the first chapter.

Chapter 1: Stop Bitching at me about carbs like some diabetic bitch

So you want to lose weight, but you either can't afford a sub every day, or the bright yellow colours at Subway give you seizures. That puts you in the solid majority, where you always want to be in life. However, losing weight is hard.

Okay, did you read that? It's very important. So I'll repeat it.

LOSING WEIGHT IS HARD.

That's going to be a hard thing to overcome for you, most likely. I'm going to go out on a limb and say, hey, you're probably wanting to lose weight for a specific date, like Spring Break, or somebody you actually hate, but are friends with's wedding. Well, I'm sorry, you're probably not going to lose enough weight to impress anyone unless it's a really, really long engagement.

Reality sucks. I know, especially when you can't fit into those jeans anymore. Exactly when did you go up 4 sizes anyway? You were so skinny after your growth spurt in the 9th grade. Oh well. There are things that you can do about it, but of course, there are things that won't help.

Brian's 4 rules about weight loss:

1. You're not going to eat your way slim. Sorry, your diet isn't going to work long term. You're not going to lose 30 oounds because you ate different foods and nothing else. Eventually, those damn carbs are going to put a song in your head you can't resist and the next thing you know you're knee deep in gnocci and you've put 10 of the 15 pounds you lost in 2 months back on. It's not a long term plan.

2. Think years, not weeks. Think, hey, I've heard that people who do what I'm doing, exercise and eating less, lose weight, and yes, you're right, that's true...but it takes a long fucking time. Deal with it. Three to four times a day of real gym work every week for two years will help. Only take a few weeks off per year. Make sure you pick ones you'll really enjoy, because afterwards you have to work even harder to make up for that and to break the lazy cycle. Think about times where you've lost 10 pounds, and you still don't fit into a size large, because the makers of the brand don't understand what Small, Medium, Large, Xtra Large, and the dreaded 2x really mean. Be pissed off enough that you're going to get into the size you are in your head, just to spite them.

3. There's nothing wrong with using anger and self hate to motivate. Whatever gets you there. It doesn't have to be a positive experience. Working out is boring, hard, and gets in the way of everything fun. If it's fun, you're probably not doing stuff that's going to work, or working hard enough. If being mad at yourself gets you there, fine. It's a human reaction. Not everything has to be shiny and happy. Maybe you got fat off anger and self hate, now use its powers for good. Be pissed off that no one notices you've lost weight. If it gets you to a happy ending, use it. If you bought a book about weight loss, you've probably got self-dislike enough to spare anyway.

4. This book won't help. Put it down and go work your ass off at the gym. Oh, and don't eat cake for awhile either. Or fried chicken. If someone says "want to go to the buffet", maybe you can use this book to say "no thanks, I'm curled up with a good book tonight", and then hang up the phone, and go work out.

There, you're started on your way to weight loss. Actually, you probably aren't. But you know what, those rules I just gave you are at least as helpful or unhelpful as a South Beach diet recipe full of ingrediants that you've never heard of (currents?) or would never eat anyway, and won't have you and slimmer at the end of the meal.

And, hey, as long as my motherfucking pockets are fat, I don't give a fuck what you do.