Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Let's Make A Wish Together

Mister Star, way up high,
so beautiful and bright.
Light up the sky,
So beautiful at night!
What a sight you are,
Mister Star!

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Long Time Caller, First Time Listener

What Annoys Me #877

When you're telling someone a story about something or someone, and they're only half listening at first, disinterested in whatever you're going to say, before they even know what it is you're going to say. However, after the first few details they hear something that catches their fancy, and they want to know what you're talking to. This leads usually to - "Whoa whoa whoa, back up a second, who did what to who?", and then you have to repeat the details, but then they've forgotten the middle, and then they start questioning you annoyedly "So This Guy did this? The guy from the store?" "No, the guy from work, and not that name, this name", "Oh, so who is he again? And why is he doing this? Okay, why do you know this person did this? What does he have to do with you?", and things continue like that, until the entire story's flow is lost. And then at the end, they act like you've bored them with a story, that didn't live up the hype they felt after 1 minute of not listening, and then 2 seconds of listening.

It's so frustrating, that it's fustrating. It loses the 'r'.

I asked my friend today if he had been promoted to the Vice President of Bread at his company. I hopefully will find out soon.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Everyone thinks...

...that they drive better than me, But they can't. That's a big But with the capital B.

Things to do to relax yourself after work:

-Giggle in the bathtub. You don't need water for this.

-Sit in the sink. You do need water for this. It's "I'm a baby therapy". You bath yourself in the kitchen sink, just like babies are, and you feel comforted, warm, and slightly exposed and awkward.

-and my personal favourite: Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto,
Mata ah-oo hima de
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto,
Himitsu wo shiri tai

You're wondering who I am-machine or mannequin
With parts made in Japan, I am the modren man

I've got a secret I've been hiding under my skin
My heart is human, my blood is boiling, my brain I.B.M.
So if you see me acting strangely, don't be surprised
I'm just a man who needed someone, and somewhere to hide
To keep me alive-just keep me alive
Somewhere to hide to keep me alive

I'm not a robot without emotions-I'm not what you see
I've come to help you with your problems, so we can be free
I'm not a hero, I'm not a saviour, forget what you know
I'm just a man whose circumstances went beyond his control
Beyond my control-we all need control
I need control-we all need control

I am the modren man, who hides behind a mask
So no one else can see my true identity

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo...domo
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo...domo
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo...domo
Thank you very much, Mr. Roboto
For doing the jobs that nobody wants to
And thank you very much, Mr. Roboto
For helping me escape just when I needed to
Thank you-thank you, thank you
I want to thank you, please, thank you

The problem's plain to see: too much technology
Machines to save our lives. Machines dehumanize.

The time has come at last
To throw away this mask
So everyone can see
My true identity...
I'm Kilroy! Kilroy! Kilroy! Kilroy!


Monday, September 06, 2004

Cruise the seas for American Gold

I was outside at the exact moment when Summer weather ended in Minnesota yesterday, and because of that, I am a weather God. Since I was there, and it happened, causality shows that I caused it. Shows it, and proves it.

It was hot, then it rained hard, and then it was cool, and the forecast, as told to me by my magic box, shows that it shall be cool from here on in...in to the winter caused by me.

Side effects are a slight cold caused by being out in the rain. But there was so much expensive pottery to look at. I had to weigh the idea of spending $15 on a small clay cup that could be used for either (a) holding toothbrushes or (b) holding pencils.

I bought chicken on a stick instead, at a much lesser price.

That's what cost-benefit analysis is all about.

See, you learned something today. Now go forth, and do whatever it was you were doing before, be it putting on perfume, or looking up pretzel recipes, or anything in between, and know that you have a degree in wigginomics.

Because I don't flunk people. It hurts their self esteem. Keeping self esteem up is more important than letting people know if they're right or wrong on a particular issue or fact.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Something you might not know

Did you know that even though my picture in that little corner up there is awful (Thanks to yours truly's face!), my profile is patently (pending patent) awesome? It is. It's Awesome! Check it, dudes!

Did you know that even though feet can stink, mine don't, because I bought 14 pairs of the same socks at once last week!? That way, I can throw them all willy-nilly into the sock drawer at once, and not have to combine them into little sock balls to keep matching pairs together. They all match! Score one for rocking the sock drawer!

Did you know that even though I can do math, I still have an awesome calculator? I do! I can drop it! And it still works! Because dropping things is dope.

Did you know that the newest coolest phrase is "that's more awesome than fried cheese curds!"? Because it is! It's State Fair Cool! Get on the bus! Then take that bus, to the State Fair! And get some God Damn Fried Cheese Curds! Not me though, I don't like State Fairs, because I'm too cool for those inbred hicks! Word!

Get some God Damn Fried Cheese Curds! That's my new catch phrase! Drink it, soak in it, let it make your fingers get all pruned up, and then use the towel to wipe it off your ass, and then use that towel tomorrow, inbued with the essence of how fucking awesome that catch phrase is. You gotta want it in your head, bouncing off your neurons, creating a womb full of fluid that is as cool as that phrase around your thoughts! Dude, Get some God Damn Fried Cheese Curds!