Thursday, November 25, 2004

Day 19: I ask you, what's my name

What's my name!?

WHAT"S MY NAME?!

Phew, got that out of my system.

Why doesn't anyone want 19 day old chili for Thanksgiving? This backwards north central midwest boondooks (that's right...there are no docks here...or as far as I can tell from the fridge) is too close minded for a non-traditional 19 day old chili dinner. The flavours are at their best, protected under my rind.

This whole holidays is a bunch of bullfeathers.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Day 3: It's cold in here

Today I know that I know 3 things about existence.

1. Paris Hilton is a skank. Even chili knows that. Why is she even famous?

2. The moral decay in the fridge over the past few weeks is shocking and depressing. My world is going to pot.

3. Owner of a lonely heart > owner of a broken heart.

I'm starting to taste like the leftover garlic mashed potatoes.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Day 2: Capt. Thaddeus Harris is History's Greatest Villian

I had a scare. Today, I noticed a lump.

It might be cancer.

It might be mold.

It might be a oversized kidney bean.

If only there were chili doctors.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Day 1: The Meaning of Chili Life

I sit here, in the back of the fridge, wondering why I even exist.

Is it because someone made too much of me, and doesn't have the time, craving, or appetite to consume all of me?

Yeah, that's probably it.

(Brian's note: Isn't that true for EVERYONE?)

So cutting edge, you're bleeding

The best blogs are gimmicks, or done by celebrities.
I'm only moderately famous, so I need the other.

So from now on my blog will be told from the point of view of the bowl of leftover chili in my fridge. It'll be full of subtle, but cutting, social and political satire, as only a bowl of chili can tell.

And lots of fart jokes.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Christmas lists

I had to give my wife my Christmas list. I hate asking for things. I'm not good at getting something for nothing and not feeling guilty, and even less good at specifying what you should get me. I don't know how people can manage to do wedding or baby shower registries. "I Expect you to get me this". I would feel way too guilty. Unfortunetely, this has led us to having very few pots and pans, and no good dishes at all.

It also made me mad when I saw my best friend get a mountain load of wedding gifts at his wedding (he went around a department store with a scan gun to pick out stuff for the registry, as fast as possible, because he hates shopping), and watching him at his wife not give a care about what they got, just assuming they deserved it for getting married.

I cheered when we finally afforded a cheese slicer. Don't even get me started on the slow cooker we bought two weeks ago at the outlet mall.

...

My wife fowarded around the phone message I left her at work of me saying "Marshmellows" over and over, in honour of a particularly "challenged" looking s'mores Christmas ornament (the cat one if you see it).

I don't know if I should be flattered or embarassed come the company Christmas party time. I hope they can't budget one this year.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Comcast can kiss my Com-ass

So, we scheduled Comcast to come in and install digital cable at our place on Saturday, between 1 pm and 3 pm. We did so last Sunday, so we waited an entire week, so we could be sure to have it installed on a day we would have no problems being home during (my work hours are very strict).

So we clean the place up a bit, so we aren't embarassing ourselves in front of strangers with wires and digital cable boxes. Then we put the cats in the office so they aren't underfoot, and Jody goes in the office with them so that they don't claw at the door and cry for the whole 2 hours.

Then by 3:30 pm, we're displeased. No one has arrived yet.

So Jody, by this time annoyed to quite a good level of furiousness, calls to see what's up.

Oh, what's that? We're not scheduled for today? Oh, really, you actually marked it off as "complete" the second we got off the phone with you on Sunday? And you've been charging us the fee for digital silver package since that Sunday, even though we obviously couldn't have had it instantaneously installed as of the end of that first phone call? Oh, you'll make it up to us by installing it later in the following week instead of today, and giving us a deal on a lesser package, a package that doesn't have half the things we wanted in the first place?

At least they decided they would graciously reverse the charges on things we didn't even have. Though our billing online still clearly has us being charged for it.

Our point with them over and over again was 'give us what we asked for in the first place, as soon as humanly possible because you screwed our weekend afternoon up, and don't charge us for things we didn't get', but they kept throwing things like "we'll give you a $10 credit for pay-per-view movies" instead of those simple things.

Then I turned into a giant green monster and destroyed the city.

But that's another story.


Saturday, November 13, 2004

Don't ask why I thought of this

Okay, here's why: because my friends' had a dog that had a submissive peeing problem, and had to take him back after one week.

Then I thought, hey, is that ever a problem in humans? Then I thought, I'll look it up on the internet, and see what it has to say on the subject.

Then I realized, I don't want to see what comes up if I type "submissive peeing" into Google.

I really don't.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Valomilk bar

Apparently, telling your wife that you like the cut of her jib isn't as romantic as I thought it was.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Whining and then possibly dining

I think that excessive tailgating should be legal grounds for being convicted of attempted manslaughter.

Isn't the point of it "if you don't speed up, I'll use my car to cause you to DIE!"? Isn't that the threat?

Or is it the treat? MMmm...treats.

Where was I?

I found a nice new restaurant. www.khourys.com It's all country-kitchen lookingish, but it has good food. And it's near a big theater that no one appears to go to. Maybe because you can't use a credit card to buy things at the concession (or "popcorn") stand, and instead, have to use your credit card at the ticket counter to buy "movie money", to then spend at the popcorn stand.

Damn you, movie money!

Damn you, fandango commercial with "my happiness is a golden poem!" part!

But thanks for reminding me to go to thepopcornfactory.com.



Tuesday, November 09, 2004

So Says God Himself

No one ever thinks my "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?" - God, tagline is that funny.

Oh well, I can live with it.

*sniff*

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Internet Explorer has encountered a problem and needs to close. We are sorry for the inconvenience.

I've been surfing the net with that warning signal going off on my computer for about 20 minutes now. I refuse to give my computer sweet relief, because I'm busy moving it out of the way while shoppiging for a TiVo thing. Not so much shopping, as looking at pictures.

I'm doing that because our couple friend's have TiVo and I'm now jealous. Because that's what married couple friends do, be jealous of each other's stuff.

The materials stuff, not the swingers type stuff.

You read too much erotic stories on the internet. Or at least, I assume you do. You have that look about you. I think it's around the eyes, and the shape of your ears, in conjunction with your eyes.

Just go here, I won't be jealous. I know it's what you really would rather be doing. I won't be too hurt. I know I can't compete with the E-Rot-tic stuff. I just don't have enough erotism on this diary. Oh well, maybe some day.

E-Rot. That was fun. Yay!

Diaryland

My diaryland page is being regenerated...that's crazy. Big Time Bill mentioned that it was down, so I tried to put a new post up, and I did...and it didn't show up...but then it did if I went to edit all my posts, and all the old ones were there too... but the page didn't exist when I tried to look at it...and I've been up all night with my baby nephew, so my brain don't work so good. But then I pressed the regenerate button, and it should soon exist again.

Or so I'm told.

If it does, it's here.

But I'm still not updating it. I'm not a two blog kind of guy. Not until the drugs start kicking in at least.

Tis the Season to make money

Ah, the season is upon us...well me, at least. Yes, the time, just after Halloween, when people start visiting my Christmas Carol page, and more importantly, spend money at amazon.com from links at the webpage, earning me small amounts of money towards stuff on amazon.

Which I will spend on gourmet cheeses. Or something along those lines. Or maybe a book or two...I haven't decided yet.

My Christmas page, while very, very basic, got very lucky in getting onto Yahoo years ago, and comes up highly rated on most web searches, so I have over 6.2 million hits on the page so far.

My Halloween page only has 650,000 or so hits, because there are no Halloween carols. There should be. I need more cheese. That and I haven't updated that page in years. It had it's good days though. Unfortunetely, there is nothing great to sell on amazon that is Halloween related, so bugger to that. I did get a poem I wrote on that (yes...a poem) page once published on a Maryland elderly folks home newsletter. Best thing ever to find out when you search your name on the net.

My Scooby Doo page is slowly creeping towards a million hits, though I haven't done anything major on it since...well, it's probably been six years now or more. But sales are way down...oh well, consumerism isn't the only reason for the season...and Scooby Doo.

But the point is this: get me money.

I need it. I just got digital cable and I need an extra $10 a month coming into the household to balance things out.

I just like the acid jazz digital music channel really...because it's my main source of acid jazz. OR WILL BE!

But I also get to watch the Trailer Park Boys on BBC America, though they're only showing Season 1, which I have on DVD...but so what, it's hard to bother to turn on the DVD player, when you're listening to ACID JAZZ. or WILL BE!

Friday, November 05, 2004

Marshmellows

I'd like to say I've been busy with things the past month or so, but I haven't. I've just been lazy with things. And spending money! OOooo...the feeling, the power, of being a consumer. I just bought a holiday spiced Pepsi, and I can't figure out what it tastes like. But I'll research on the internet what it's SUPPOSED to be tasting like, and then I'll tell my tastebuds what to think.

Things I meant to say on here but never did:

(1) My wife has decided that it's not proper for women to enter a bathroom, fart, and then leave, if there's someone standing in the non-stall area of the bathroom, where they can see the person clearly doing that. I can't say that I don't have an opinion on that matter.

(2) I figure that if the CEO of my company (yay for drill bit making, so many sharp objects...and so many people who go on worker's comp after getting their hand crushed in a machine, followed by memo postings of "don't be stupid like that guy", not that I'm near the machines, being in the finance department, but still...sharp) says to me "Hey...(pause pause pause) guy" every day when I pass him the report I pass to him every day, that he probably doesn't know my name.

(3) And my name is NOT Chad. This receiving clerk keeps wanting to give me Chad's stuff. But I ain't him. Still ain't now either.

(4) I described someone as "yeah, they're the type of person who doesn't give someone back their pen after they sign the receipt, and then later they use the pen, and don't give a second thought as to where that pen comes from," and it kind of made sense. In context. I always give back the pen. I'm terrified that people might think that I'm not thinking of what they think.

(4b) I also described someone as "she seems the type who makes a lot of noise when having sex", in a non-lude, not even getting in trouble with my wife way.

(5) Compromise, leads to quality, when you compromise on leaving out the not making things with quality. That's what my chocolates are like. It's a crazy confection, with a secret ingredient, made, with that patented shiny coating. You'll love what I'm cooking.

(6) I just don't have time for couch cushions anymore. I'm sorry, but I can't fit them into my schedule.


That's all I can remember. Things usually come to me when I'm furthest away from a computer. But that's probably for the best.