on the blacktop

Opposums don't do anything with urgency.

Motherfuckin' Snakes on a Plane - 3 months too late

McSweeney's Internet Tendency: Possible "Surprise" Endings to the New Samuel L. Jackson Film Snakes on a Plane.

I must say, that the "takes off his trench coat and reveals that he is, in fact, made entirely out of snakes", is my favourite.

The plague is going around my work. The only defense? Middle aged women spraying lysol over EVERYTHING.

QVw - Quality, Value, wiggie

The President from "24" really has to lay off that Stan guy that he's always bugging on the AllState commercials.

I think that the NFL should really not even bother with a draft this year. Everyone is doing just great, why let some new guys mess with the success of the league? I see their shows on television ALL the time, they have to be doing something right. It's not like "Friends" brought in a new friend every season from the college ranks of buddies, and pals.

Okay, that was terrible. But that doesn't make it not true.

I heard someone page "Brian Doyle" at Target the other day, and it made me shed a little tear for what could have been. Brian Doyle would have won even the Jeff Tournament of Jeffs.

Ever walk by two co-workers at your work making out in a cubicle? Cubicles don't afford much privacy, what with their lack of complete walls and such. Especially if said cubicle is on a production floor, and is the only cubicle in a otherwise wide open area. And then, ever leave for 10 minutes to give them some privacy they don't deserve, and then come back to do your work and they're STILL making out? Work isn't that fun for me, it shouldn't be for anyone else. Though I assume Jeff is paid to make out with people at his work, when he's not almost getting pissed on in the bathroom.

Speaking of almosts, someone almost dropped a 40 pound bucket of drills from 7 feet high on my head today, and just by the grace of God was I no longer where they dropped.

That reminds me of every time I see a very old celebrity on an informerical pitching some product, and I think in my head that they should be saying, "Hello there, I'm Robert Wagner, and I've cheated death to tell you that you need insurance, weight loss pills, memory pills, and a robot that cleans your wrinkly ass wrinkles".

The guessing game

I hate it when someone new at work meets me, and makes a guess at what my job is before asking me "So what do you do here?", because they always lowball what I do. So I seem to be less important than I am, and I'm not even that important!

And why can't I get no Tang 'round here?

"Balderdash" is like, the worst television game show ever. I don't know who's more likely to eat the other, Bruce Vilanch, or Sally Struthers.

Pasta Roni is possibly the world's most perfect food. Lipton Sidekicks can kiss my ass, except the Canada-only Sour Cream and Cheddar flavour, since Pasta Roni no long seems to have that flavour. If it's good enough for potato chips, it's good enough for pasta, damn it.

Dr Mario is highly overrated by...I don't know anyone who likes this game

There are trends out there. I just don't know of any of them, because I live in a bubble. It's not really intentional, because to do that would be more effort than I would normally put into anything that wasn't roasting a turkey. I CAN roast a turkey. I live in a bubble because my workplace could exist from anytime between 1975-1994. We don't have the internet, we fax everything, we use green/Bar (I like writing it like that) paper, and no one talks about anything current. If we ran out of toner, our customers would become invisible to us. So as far as getting any useful future office experience from my job...well, I count drills, and enter very, very, very oily production sheets into a computer for reports that no one understands. See, the one guy who knew how to make Excel macros that made the report, left years ago, so now no one knows how everything is calculated, and is too afraid to try and figure it out.

But I do get flyers in the mail. Aldi has great deals this week, such as Flavored water, Fit & Active brand, for only 59 cents each. Not to mention 99 cent Kryder tomato ketchup ( as opposed to...cucumber ketchup?). And delicious Kids Grids fries for only $1.69. I could partake in these off-brand name deals if Aldi wasn't cash only, barely open when people aren't working, and if they supplied their own bags that you didn't have to pay for. Like I carry cash anymore. As I don't ever go anywhere that charges a cover charge, I don't need physical money. I'd much rather lose my visa cash cards when pulling things out of pocket than a few dollar bills, thank you very much.

And I'm sorry Cub Foods, if you're going to make a 12 case of Coke 10 for $15, I am NEVER, EVER buying 10 cases of pop at once.

And what's up with Coke Blak, with coffee? Can you imagine what the combination of those two things would do to your stomach lining? As opposed to berry & creme Dr. Pepper, which is the delicious.

Hey, where do they get fresh king crab legs in Minnesota?

And by calling their generic food name "Roundys", is Rainbow food calling me fat? Jerks. Their Crazy 8's sale sucks, like I'm buying more of their food because everything's price ends in 8 instead of 9. Yay, 1 cent cheaper! If I bought 100 things, I could save a buck!

Happy Secular and Non-Secular Easter! So if you're into your people nailed to crosses coming alive again, or bunnies who've stolen chickens' babies and given them to you, enjoy your day.

As I sit on my throne, in Parts Unknown

Jeff, I think that kids having measles is funny, we should write that into the show somehow...not that kids having measles is funny, but the fact that I THINK kids having measles is funny.

Look at them...with their measles...they're pathetic.

So...how are you celebrating your Easter? Yeah, I thought so.

Declined

No one believed me when I said I'd grow up to be a Kabuki warrior.

Why is everyone always so right?

Actually, I never played that NES game.