The Chronicals of Doyle, Day 2

...and I'd get people to call me the Doyle-E Lama.

...and people would RESPECT the Doyle-E Lama.

Unfair things in life

*sighs* I wish my last name was Doyle. Then I'd be, like, Brian Doyle. Things would be a lot easier for Brian Doyle.

Save and Enjoy

My wife gets her eyes cut up by lasers soon.

Lasers...is there anything they can't do? Oh yeah, feel love. Poor lasers, and their lives without emotion. Someone should write a science fiction poem about that.

Okay then, I will.

Laser Love

Oh lasers,
You heartless bastards,
So shiny,
So wanting to be touched,
By God that hurt,
Why did you let me touch you?
Now I only have 3 fingers,
And that one finger was my favourite finger.

I called it pointy,
but it wasn't my pointer finger,
I just pointed with it,
to be different.
Different from you.
I thought it'd be easier to be different that way,
Rather than getting my dick pierced.
And it was.
But now it's gone.
Not my penis.
But my finger.
My pointy finger.
Second from the right.
On my right hand.
My good hand.
My God that hurt.

Oh laser,
Oh you heartless laser.
Why can't you feel?
Because I can feel.
Feel the pain of the finger you burned off.
Oh well.
Life goes on.
Let's go have toast.
Toast is better than you remember it being.

---

It really is though. Toast, I mean. You never crave toast, but you're never disappointed by toast. You're always like, "hey, this is pretty good. I should use my toaster for toast more often," but then, like, hey, who wants to make toast, when you could have honey roasted peanuts? Right. Unless you're allergic to nuts. And who isn't these days?

Here's the dinner menu for Maggiano's Little Italy:

Baked Shrimp Oreganata
Gulf shrimp topped with our seasoned bread crumbs, baked and served with tomatoes and basil; served with a white wine sauce.
Barb's Spinach & Artichoke al Forno
Diced Artichoke hearts, spinach, tomatoes and asiago cheese baked with alfredo sauce until bubbling and golden; served with crispy Foccacia bread.
Bombalina Platter
An assortment of our favorite Appetizers, including Stuffed Mushrooms, Crispy Zucchini, Bruschetta, and Spinach Artichoke Al Alforno
Bruschetta
Italian garlic bread toasted and topped with a tomato bruschetta relish made of diced tomatoes, balsamic vinegar and roasted garlic.
Calamari Fritte
Crispy Calamari coated in egg whites and seasoned flour, deep fried and served with our marinara sauce.
Crispy Zucchini Fritte
Strips of zucchini hand battered and fried, served with a zesty lemon aioli cream sauce.
Four Cheese Ravioli, Pesto Alfredo Sauce
Ravioli stuffed with ricotta, parmesan, mozzarella and provolone cheeses; topped with pesto alfredo sauce until golden brown.
Thin Crust Pizza
Maggiano's Style-Thin Crust, Imported Fontina Cheese, Italian Sausage, Tomato Pesto Sauce and Oven Dried Tomatoes.
Jumbo Lump Crab Cake
Delicious Lump Crabmeat served with a side of mustard sauce.
Mozzarella Marinara
Whole milk mozzarella cheese breaded and fried,topped with provolone cheese and marinara sauce.
Mushroom Ravioli al Forno
Ravioli stuffed with mushrooms, marsala wine, parmesan cheese and baked with alfredo sauce until golden brown.
Mussels, Tuscan Style
Prince Edward Island mussels steamed in a garlic and white wine sauce with sun-dried tomatoes and white beans.
Sliced Tomato, Fresh Mozzarella (Seasonal)
Sliced beefsteak tomatoes, fresh mozzarella cheese; drizzled with our Italian Vinaigrette.
Stuffed Mushrooms
Jumbo mushroom caps stuffed with spinach and topped with our seasoned breadcrumbs; served in a white wine sauce.

Oh, and Jeff, I get the comments emailed to me, so I DID get that comment.

Best Poem You've Read today

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BubblegumBubblegumBubblegumBubblegumBubblegumBubblegumBubblegum
BubblegumBubblegumBubblegumBubblegumBubblegumBubblegumBubblegum
BubblegumBubblegum
pop

embrace the Noid

So, I finally got my Christmas Tree down, and so I never got a chance to put my Valentine's Day Tree up. I don't think I'll put my St. Patrick's Day tree up, but I WILL force my wife to have a Shamrock Shake, because I'm evil.

The day after St. Patrick Day = worst day of production of the year at the drill bit factory.

So, is Winter just about over now?

John...John...John...

I can't stop trying to think up over the top awkward moments between the Good Gentleman and a non existant person. But that's a good thing.

Wrote my first midterm exam in 6 years yesterday. Took me a whole 25 minutes. That's right, because I'm the shit. Do you smell that? Yeah, I thought so.

I'm sitting next to a printed out ad that has the words "Save Ink!" next to a picture of a cell phone. Like I'm going to give up my hand written correspondances to use that telephoning machine. I wouldn't know what to do with all those fancy buttons. Not as reliable as a good feather and an ink pot.

uncock my shit, I'm heartbroke

Now that I've lost over 80 pounds, by Free Market Rules, I can write a book that YOU'LL buy about losing weight. And because you're a faithful reader, here's a free sample of the first chapter.

Chapter 1: Stop Bitching at me about carbs like some diabetic bitch

So you want to lose weight, but you either can't afford a sub every day, or the bright yellow colours at Subway give you seizures. That puts you in the solid majority, where you always want to be in life. However, losing weight is hard.

Okay, did you read that? It's very important. So I'll repeat it.

LOSING WEIGHT IS HARD.

That's going to be a hard thing to overcome for you, most likely. I'm going to go out on a limb and say, hey, you're probably wanting to lose weight for a specific date, like Spring Break, or somebody you actually hate, but are friends with's wedding. Well, I'm sorry, you're probably not going to lose enough weight to impress anyone unless it's a really, really long engagement.

Reality sucks. I know, especially when you can't fit into those jeans anymore. Exactly when did you go up 4 sizes anyway? You were so skinny after your growth spurt in the 9th grade. Oh well. There are things that you can do about it, but of course, there are things that won't help.

Brian's 4 rules about weight loss:

1. You're not going to eat your way slim. Sorry, your diet isn't going to work long term. You're not going to lose 30 oounds because you ate different foods and nothing else. Eventually, those damn carbs are going to put a song in your head you can't resist and the next thing you know you're knee deep in gnocci and you've put 10 of the 15 pounds you lost in 2 months back on. It's not a long term plan.

2. Think years, not weeks. Think, hey, I've heard that people who do what I'm doing, exercise and eating less, lose weight, and yes, you're right, that's true...but it takes a long fucking time. Deal with it. Three to four times a day of real gym work every week for two years will help. Only take a few weeks off per year. Make sure you pick ones you'll really enjoy, because afterwards you have to work even harder to make up for that and to break the lazy cycle. Think about times where you've lost 10 pounds, and you still don't fit into a size large, because the makers of the brand don't understand what Small, Medium, Large, Xtra Large, and the dreaded 2x really mean. Be pissed off enough that you're going to get into the size you are in your head, just to spite them.

3. There's nothing wrong with using anger and self hate to motivate. Whatever gets you there. It doesn't have to be a positive experience. Working out is boring, hard, and gets in the way of everything fun. If it's fun, you're probably not doing stuff that's going to work, or working hard enough. If being mad at yourself gets you there, fine. It's a human reaction. Not everything has to be shiny and happy. Maybe you got fat off anger and self hate, now use its powers for good. Be pissed off that no one notices you've lost weight. If it gets you to a happy ending, use it. If you bought a book about weight loss, you've probably got self-dislike enough to spare anyway.

4. This book won't help. Put it down and go work your ass off at the gym. Oh, and don't eat cake for awhile either. Or fried chicken. If someone says "want to go to the buffet", maybe you can use this book to say "no thanks, I'm curled up with a good book tonight", and then hang up the phone, and go work out.

There, you're started on your way to weight loss. Actually, you probably aren't. But you know what, those rules I just gave you are at least as helpful or unhelpful as a South Beach diet recipe full of ingrediants that you've never heard of (currents?) or would never eat anyway, and won't have you and slimmer at the end of the meal.

And, hey, as long as my motherfucking pockets are fat, I don't give a fuck what you do.

who is the best

I is the best!

That was fun!

Cookies! HEYHEYHEY!

I was talking to GJ, and we were thinking that we should write scripts where we solve mysteries. But the more I think about it, the more I Realize (with a capital R) that good Gentleman and Myself need to actually solve mysteries in real life first.

So...where the hell is my spray butter?

Oh wait, it's in the sink.

One down, 12 more ghosts to catch!

The Winter is like ... it's like...well, fuck the Winter

I don't need to be staying late on a Friday at work because Winter traffic made me late. And why am the only one who is ever late? Everyone else is in there already, looking like they had no idea there was any ice storm going on outside adding an extra 45 minutes to my commute.

And since I don't drink, I have to drown it all in home made ice cream. And then go to the gym to work off ice cream guilt.

Yup, it's a good start to the weekend.

Join in on the party you've been missing out on

Don't ignore the new post below this. It's just an excellent post. But with the new minor overhaul from a BBQ restaurant to a Sea Shanty, I noticed I'm very unpopular, what with having little to no other blog links. So I'm asking YOU to join my crew, to become a fellow Captain...of Industry! Even if you don't like me, or if your blog is just porn...well, especially if your blog is just porn...ask me to link your blog. Or if you're Bill, create 2 new empty blogs just so I can link those as well.

What was that about porn? PORN!

PORN!

That's fun to do now and then...in bed.

Next to your significant other. Just shout "PORN!" when they least expect it.

What was I saying? I forget. I can't read what I already typed. Because I have to type with only 3 fingers and one thumb (it's not a finger, jerk) since I'm still injured, and it takes all my effort and thoughts to do that.

What was that about the cartoon "Prostars"? Yes, you should research it more indepth.

Fast Ball, big swing, Bo knows everything

If you would have asked me 20 years ago if I thought eventually toilets would flush themselves for us in public, cheap ass bathrooms everywhere, I probably would have said "what? Oh, you know what's cool? Transformers. I wish I hadn't broke Jazz the same day I got him on that Christmas. He's my favourite on the show, though they don't show him much. I think he's second in command to Optimus though. At least, he should be. His toy doesn't look much like he does in the show, and it was tough to transform, and that's why I broke him, but still, I wish I had another one. I'm too embarassed to ask my parents for a new one though, after Santa was nice enough to bring me one already. So I'll just say I love my new toy, and hide the fact that I broke him. Transformers are so cool."

I just really loved Transformers back then. I wish I had got more for Christmas, and asked for less of those toys where the guys had the holograms on their chest, and a staff with a hologram. They broke too easy. So did Transformers, but they were cooler.